Thursday, June 12, 2008

You Can't Get Good Help Any More, Dammit! by Jenny Gardiner

Last week I did it. I finally did it. I fired my maid.

It wasn’t that she wasn’t a nice enough person; she was perfectly fine. But I was tired of her insubordination. Tired of her meager skill set, which was sorely lacking. Tired of trying to get her to do the things that needed to be done on a regular basis.

I mean, the dishes were stacked up to my eyeballs, but would she do them on her own? No.

My floors were littered with dog hair, tumbleweeds of fur blowing across the hardwoods each time the air conditioner switched on. But would she vacuum? No. Heaven forbid she actually mop, even if she did run the Hoover once every blue moon.

Oh, there were other problems, as well. Signs of mildew forming in the showers. Icky build-up in the toilets. Need I say more?
It’s not that I didn’t try with her. I gave her every chance that I could. Many a pep talk was presented in order to get the maid to get her act together. I warned her that her days were numbered. I told her that we weren’t pleased with her performance. I even offered plenty of incentives.

But nothing improved.

Oh, there were some good times, I can’t deny it. Like when she worked like a whirling dervish, cleaning in a trance-like frenzy late into the evening, before company was slated to arrive. The times when at least one room at a time shone, it was so clean. But these occasions became fewer and further between.

It just became obvious that I could no longer rely upon her dubious cleaning prowess, and it was then that I decided I’d be doing her a favor by letting her go.

Now that I’ve cut the cord, I feel a great sense of relief. I mean, really, it was for the best.

The only problem is this: now that I’ve fired myself from cleaning my house, who will do it for me?


Kalynne Pudner said...

Ha, you clever writer woman, you! I was totally blindsided by the punchline. The answer, of course, is ...your three kids.

No, not because I expect they'll actually do it competently (if at all). I'm not that naive. Because after they've had the job for a few weeks, your old maid's work is going to look pretty darned fabulous.

MargyWrites said...

For a minute there I was thinking-- "Wait a minute! I have tumbleweeds in the hall...I have a basket of clean laundry on the family room floor...I got so grossed out by the toilet that I set down my toothbrush last night in the middle of brushing and grabbed a brush of a different sort...Maybe Jenny and I have the same maid!"

I think we do. You are obviously supposed to be cleaning MY house too! HA!

Good post!

HRH said...

Is that you in the first picture? It is how I always imagined you...haha.

I am totally out of staff...I fired the cook and the babysitter too. Oh and the butler!

Judy Merrill Larsen said...

Hey, what kind of severance package did you get? Cause I'm thinking I might need to fire myself, too.

Threeundertwo said...

My maid has been on some sort of endless vacation. She's utterly useless. How sad is it that I knew exactly what you were talking about before the punchline?

devilish southern belle said...

Hahah, it's time I fired my own maid, but I am reluctant to do so for the reason you mentioned!


Daisy said...

Snort. I hear you! Several years ago (post-foot surgery) we hired a cleaning service to "try them out." We haven't looked back since. This maid service will be the last thing cut as we adjust our budget to the new economy.

Sleeping with Ward Cleaver said...

hi guys! i am away but at an internet cafe so sorry so late! daisy--i want your maid!!! give her up, now!!!! kalynne--you and I both know what happens when we let the kids clean!!! we have to re-clean afterwards...
and yes, HRH, that is me at the top. Jenny on a cleaning bender hehehe