Standardized Parenting

By Margy McCarthy


For 19+ years now, Sparky and I have been aware that our primary objective as parents is to raise intelligent, productive, functional members of society and send them out into the world.

So far, so good. But that’s not to say that either one of our children is ready to own their independence yet. While all the normal indicators- physical, academic, and social- point to an eventual realization of this goal, there have been a few too many head-scratching moments of doubt where their common sense is concerned to release these creatures into the wild quite yet.

Someone would send them back.

This is not a risk we’re willing to take.

With this in mind, I have constructed a quick assessment to help parents everywhere determine the real-world readiness of their teens. Feel free to print a copy and administer this to your own offspring as often as necessary. The test should not be timed, and percentage required to pass can be adjusted as you see fit.

1. How many light bulbs should be burning in an unoccupied room?

A) All of the above
B) None of the above
C) All of the light bulbs- above and below
D) What do you mean, “burning?” I don’t see a fire.


2. If Tom drinks two cans of pop in fifteen minutes, and Mary drinks half each of four separate cans of pop over the course of a day; how many cans will Daddy find behind the TV the next time he searches for the remote?

A) 86
B) 59
C) 47
D) Why bother? I took the batteries from the remote for my Xbox controllers.


3. A refrigerator contains large bowls of the following leftovers: Penne pasta salad with albacore tuna and chopped vegetables; Homemade vegetable beef and barley soup; Chunked summer fruits with melon; Old-fashioned Nilla-wafer banana pudding.

After staring at the interior of said appliance with the door open, calculate the time differential (in nanoseconds) between that required to loudly announce: “There’s nothing to eat around here,” and the mayonnaise turning green.

Show your work.


4. Shards of pottery often provide historians with important clues about the rituals, traditions, and everyday lives of ancient peoples. 1000 years from now, which of the following would be the most logical area of our home for a successful archaeological dig?

A) Under your bed
B) Between the couch cushions
C) On the counter right next to the dishwasher
D) All of the above


5. If Jenny has a MySpace, and Johnny is on Facebook, which of the two will get an “A” tomorrow on the book report assigned three weeks ago?

A) None of the above
B) LOL
C) IDK
D) Oh, crap. BRB. I have to Google Spark Notes.


6. Using context clues, choose the best definition of the word “socks” in the following sentence:

“Can someone explain to me why there are seventeen socks in the knee-hole of the computer desk?” demanded Mom.

A) Insidious vermin that procreate with reckless abandon under furniture and in dark corners of the home.
B) Snowy white protective footwear worn inside shoes in matching sets of two.
C) Wrinkled household items, virtually invisible to teens, that get grayer every second.
D) Hmm. I think the answer is “C”-- No, wait! I’m supposed to find the definition of the word “socks,” not the word “Mom.”