The Fun Mobile

By Melanie Lynne Hauser

My car is no longer my own. Any parent of driving-age kids knows this. Your radio stations are mysteriously re-set to music that makes your ears bleed. The driver's seat is always pushed so far back, you need stilts to reach the gas pedals.

I've been through all this before, with my older son.

But my younger son - ah. He's a different animal entirely.

The older one was neat and quiet. He drove the car - but that's all it was for him. A means of transportation from point A to point B.

But younger son is a riot. And my car is no longer just a vehicle. No, it has become the FUN MOBILE!! A party on wheels!!

I get in it, and I honestly have no idea what I'm going to find there - I'm ready for anything, really. I wouldn't be surprised if one day I opened the door and a wild goat greeted me. For in the last few weeks, here is but a small sampling of the items I have found inside my formerly staid middle-class vehicle:

A fake mustache, glued to the middle of my steering wheel.

A dirty Razor scooter (found abandoned at a local park); it was too good a find to pass up, even though it's far too small for a 17-year-old. But who knows what good use those wacky teens can put it to?

A stack of 2009 calendars featuring cute kittens and sad-eyed puppies (there was a special at the nearby Dollar store, and apparently, hopped up on Vitamin Water and Kit-Kat Bars, my son and his friends found them hi-lar-ious as potential gag gifts).

An empty roll of Saran Wrap. (At first, I wondered if some of the kids were practicing really, REALLY safe sex - but then I realized it was for wrapping up each other's cars, after I went out one morning and couldn't open my door because it was - Saran Wrapped.)

Various items of clothing. But fortunately, items of outer-layer clothing (like sweatshirts and jackets). Because if I ever find any inner-layers of clothing (like underwear), I will FREAK out.

One morning I noticed they had duct-taped over the H-O-N on the spare tire that hangs on the rear of my car, leaving only the DA. Which, apparently to a bunch of 17-year-olds, again - hi-lar-ious. But then I pointed out that if they'd taped over the N-D-A, they would have left the HO. Now they think I'm an evil genius.

An ancient (as in - the boys played with it when they were toddlers) sock puppet of a dog, one ear now gone. Apparently, driving around with this sock puppet hanging out of the window, barking at unsuspecting strangers while hip hop music blasts from the stereo, again - hi-lar-ious.

The usual empty bags from fast food places. Although, for a bunch of AP class-taking seniors, they have proven themselves to be pretty ignorant about the length of time a soft drink can remain in a wax paper cup before it completely soaks through and leaves a small orange-flavored flood in your cup holder.

The glove compartment, surprisingly enough, has remained unsullied. Again - for a bunch of AP class-taking seniors, they're not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Now, there are no dents or scratches. Or drugs. Or used condoms. So all in all, I know I can consider myself pretty lucky.

But I can't help but wonder -

When do I get my own version of a FUN MOBILE??